Self-Love 101: What does it mean to love yourself?

“Self-love” has become quite the trending topic. I mean is it just me, or does it seem like its popping up everywhere lately? Many of us (including me) find ourselves liking posts that mention it and following pages that promote it. It’s great that we are beginning to acknowledge its importance.

BUT WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES IT ACTUALLY MEAN TO LOVE OURSELVES?!?!

If you find yourself asking this question, then this post is especially for you. I am going to share how I came to understand the significance of self-love and describe how it can be practically applied so that we can reap its benefits.

I first discovered the concept of self-love when I came across the biblical scripture where Jesus states, “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt 22:39). The words “AS YOURSELF” really stood out to me. I believe there is a reason that Jesus didn’t just simply instruct us to love our neighbor. Instead, we were told to use ourselves as a reference point in which to love others. The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that our love for others really does stem from our love for ourselves!

How does our love for ourselves affect the way we love others?

Loving others AS ourselves means that we must first experience love FOR ourselves. Unfortunately, there are many people who have yet to experience love for themselves. As a result, their expression of love towards others is often unhealthy. We see this in the way people can abuse, betray, abandon, and hurt those they say they love. Would it be fair to say that they don’t really love the people that they hurt? Well, have you ever hurt someone you said you loved? I know I have. So, the question lies not in whether we actually love those we hurt. Because I believe many of us would say we do. Rather, the question lies in our CAPACITY TO LOVE based on our UNDERSTANDING of what love is. This is where many of our problems arise because we can only give to others from what we have inside.

When it comes to loving others, we can only express what we possess.

 

That means that any unresolved issues we have within ourselves will play out in our relationship with others because we also express what we suppress.

If loved ones hurt us, we can easily pass that hurt on to others if we do not become conscious of our need for healing. When love is delivered to us in unloving ways then our concept of love becomes skewed and tainted and becomes the kind of love we look for because it is recognizable and familiar to us.

How love is put in will be how it comes out.

 

Many of us say we want “true love” and “real love” and someone to love us for who we truly are. But do we even love ourselves for who we are? I mean honestly, can we identify within ourselves the kind of love that we desire to receive from others? If not, then how will we even know when we are receiving it?

One of my all-time favorite quotes is from Toni Morrison’s, The Bluest Eye, where she writes:

“Love is never any better than the lover”.

 

This is so profoundly true. Our love for others will never be any better than our love for ourselves. So if we want more healthy relationships in our life, it’s time to heal. And how do we heal? By loving ourselves.

What does self-love look like?

Glad you asked! And you may be surprised to learn that the answer has been available to us all along without us even realizing it!

We’ve heard it read at nearly every wedding, we’ve seen it on Valentine’s Day cards, and some of us may even have it hanging up on the wall somewhere at home. Come on, you know it…the infamous, age-old definition of Love found in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 that starts with “Love is patient. Love is kind”…Ring a bell?

This scripture describes the kind of love God has for us and the kind of love we should show towards others. But with one of the greatest commandments given to mankind stating that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, perhaps we should also refer to this scripture as a guideline for how we love ourselves as well.

So, let’s walk through the characteristics of love as described in this chapter and read it through the lens of self-love. We will quickly discover that the way we show love to ourselves influences the way we show love to others:

(Self) Love is patient.

Are we patient with ourselves? Do we put ourselves down when we have not yet arrived where we feel we should be? Have we given ourselves a chance to grow and learn and develop? Or do we demand perfection without acknowledging our progress?

If we are impatient with ourselves, how can we expect to be patient with others? Our own impatience with ourselves will always spill over into our responses towards others. We want for others what we want for ourselves. And our frustration with others often derives from an inner frustration with ourselves. If we can accept where we are in life then we can also accept where others are along their journey. Be patient with yourself. Masterpieces are not made overnight.

(Self) Love is kind.

Are we kind to ourselves? How do we speak to ourselves? Are we there for ourselves when we are feeling down or do we beat ourselves up and participate in negative self-talk? Do we tell ourselves that it’s going to be okay? Do we console ourselves, comfort ourselves, and encourage ourselves? If we are beating our own selves down whenever we miss the mark, chances are we probably aren’t giving others much room for error either. Being hard on ourselves leads us to be hard on others. But as we begin showing kindness to ourselves, it will extend outwards and touch the lives of those around us. Be kind to yourself. Your soul is a beautiful, delicate, precious thing.

(Self) Love does not envy.

Envy derives from a lack of satisfaction with one’s self. We envy others because we compare our lives to theirs and it may make us feel like the lives of others are better than our own. As a result, we find ourselves wanting to be someone else more than we want to be our self. Our desire to have another life over our own causes us to pursue a life that is not true to who we are. Owning who we are and embracing our unique individuality will cause us to appreciate ourselves. Out of appreciation for self, we can then appreciate others without feeling inadequate, inferior, or insecure about who we are. I may be a rose and you may be a tulip and he may be a daisy and she may be an orchid, but together we make one big beautiful garden. So let’s all bloom as we were planted and stand in our own unique beauty that complements the beauty of those around us.

(Self) Love does not boast and it is not proud.

Boasting derives from a need to prove our self to others. Our need to prove our worth and value to others is really us trying to prove it to ourselves. When we boast, we are often compensating for a lack of confidence and assurance in ourselves. Our poor self-image produces the need to project a counter image that will cause people to see us the way we wish to see ourselves. But when we are confident and secure in who we are then there is no need to impose ourselves on others for validation and confirmation. Being proud of ourselves negates the need to make others proud of us.

(Self) Love does not dishonor.

Dishonor is a form of disrespect. When we disrespect others it almost always involves disrespecting ourselves in the process. When we respect and honor who we are, we carry ourselves accordingly. The respect we have for ourselves causes us to demonstrate respect for others. We can only esteem others from the esteem we hold for ourselves. When we honor ourselves, we will honor others and when we honor others we are honoring ourselves.

(Self) Love is not self-seeking.

Selfishness means to cater to one’s own needs without regard for others. This is different from self-love. Selfishness is expressed from a place of lack and depletion. Self-love is expressed from a place of fulfillment and completion. You can tell the difference between self-love and selfishness because self-love is energizing while selfishness is draining. Loving yourself is filling yourself up so that you can better love others. Selfishness is rooted in fear and does not support the work of love. It absorbs the energy around it without giving anything back in return. The distinction between selfishness and self-love can be determined based on the outcome it produces. Self-love makes us better people and helps us to better connect with others. Selfishness cuts us off from others and sabotages our potential to become our best self.

(Self) Love is not easily angered.

Anger is an outlet for unresolved conflict within. When we are easily agitated and irritated by others it is because they are tapping into an irritation and agitation that already exists within. Others make us angry when they remind us of parts of ourselves that we have yet to accept and do not want to face. The conflicts we have with others usually represent the inner conflicts we have with ourselves. People and circumstances that make us angry are really tapping into an anger that we already have towards ourselves. When we make peace with ourselves, we will see peace unfold in our interactions with others.

(Self) Love keeps no record of wrongs.

If we are experiencing guilt from our past failures and mistakes, then we are keeping a record of our wrongs. If we are keeping a record of our wrongs, then we have not yet forgiven ourselves. And if we are holding on to our own mistakes and not forgiving ourselves, how can we ever forgive others for theirs? As long as we are hard on ourselves, we will continue to be hard on others. To show mercy is to know mercy. We have to let go of the mistakes of our past and move forward. When we free ourselves, we will also free those around us to move forward as well.

(Self) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

To delight in evil is to view the defeat and demise of others as personal victories. People who delight in seeing others fall have a very low view of themselves. Seeking to tear others down is actually a form of self-sabotage. Because the truth is that what we do to others will find its way back to us. To delight in evil is to believe the lie that what we do to others will not affect us. To rejoice in truth is to love others because we understand that we are all connected and what happens to one of us essentially affects us all.

(Self) Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

If we don’t feel protected, how can we ever offer protection to someone else? If we don’t even trust ourselves, then how can we ever expect anyone to find us trustworthy? If we don’t have hope in becoming our best self, then how can we expect anyone else to see the best in us? If we don’t persevere through our own trials and tribulations, then how can we expect others to persevere with us? We will attract the kind of love we want when we become the kind of love we want.

(Self) Love never fails.

Failing ourselves is the worst kind of failure because if we aren’t in our own corner, it really doesn’t matter who tries to help us. If God does not leave us or forsake us, then who are we to give up on ourselves? There may be instances where we fail, but we are never failures. We cannot give up on ourselves.

In Conclusion

I hope this rendition of the ever so popular 1 Corinthians 13 helped to clarify the immense role that self-love plays when it comes to improving our relationships with others. I believe that most of the issues we experience in our relationships derive from a lack of love for ourselves. Healthy relationships are often destroyed as a form of self-sabotage. It’s hard to receive unconditional love and acceptance from another if we haven’t yet learned how to love and accept ourselves. So if we want improved relationships and more healthy connections with others, how about we practice on ourselves?

One Love.

Till’ Next Time,

Lucky, The Lovelutionist

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