3 Unexpected Lessons I’ve Learned in my Marriage

Many of us want to be in a relationship for selfish reasons. We want companionship. We want security. We want attention. The idea of finding “the one” excites us and we look forward to what they have to offer us. Then we find that someone who seems to fit the description of what we want and we show up with a bunch of needs to be filled and a boatload of expectations. We hold the other person responsible for making sure we are good. Because that is their role, isn’t it? To meet our needs and to make our life better…
Or is it?
I have learned some unexpected lessons in my marriage over the past 11 years that I would like to share with you. I came into my relationship with a hefty bag of emotional baggage, as did my partner. We were kids in love who thought getting married was the solution to our problems. And we waited on a fairy tale that never happened. Because it doesn’t exist. We had to create our own story and embrace our own unique experience.

So here are 3 lessons I have learned:

1. My happiness is not my partner’s responsibility.

We get married so that we can live happily ever after with the one we love. Since happiness is affiliated with love, we make it our partner’s responsibility to make sure we feel good. When we don’t feel good, we find ourselves looking to them and waiting on them to put a smile on our face and make everything better. But what happens when it doesn’t play out that way? What happens if your partner is going through their own thing and cannot offer you what you’ve come to expect from them? Are they in the wrong?…. Or are you? I’ve come to realize that I am just as much a part of my marriage as my mate is. If I find myself unhappy in my relationship, it’s unfair to place all of the blame on my partner. It’s MY happiness after all. And quite honestly, if my partner always showed up to rescue me from my sadness, I would have never discovered that happiness is an inside job. I am grateful for the disappointments and the frustration I have experienced in my marriage. It sucked in the moment. It hurt like hell. But my partner’s inability to meet my unrealistic expectations taught me that I am responsible for my own happiness. And how liberating to know that I do not have to wait on anyone else to put a smile on my face. I can do it myself. Now, that’s love.

2. What I want from my relationship is not always what I need.

We enter relationships with a preconceived idea of what that relationship should be. We impose that idea on our partner and expect them to be who we feel they should be in order to fulfill our ideal. And we get pissed the hell off when our ideal relationship gets overhauled by our real relationship. When rude awakenings surface, we may question our judgment and wonder whether we made the right decision in who we chose to be with. But not always getting what we want is a gift. Do you hear me?! Let me say that louder for the people in the back… “Not always getting what we want is a GIFT!”. When we don’t get what we want, we end up discovering what we need. Our wants are often rooted in our desire to be comfortable. And we seek comfort in our relationship. But relationships are not just about being comfortable. The purpose of partnership is to help us develop and grow. Relationships are not meant to help us stay the same. They are meant to provide us with experiences that will give us what we need to become who we came here to be. I am so grateful for the challenges I have experienced in my marriage. And I feel super lucky that I have a partner who hasn’t always given me what I wanted. As a result, I have been able to discover what I need to continue developing into the best version of myself.

3. Marriage is a Mirror.

There’s something that attracts us to our partner. We think it’s the physical attraction or the chemistry we feel when we look them in the eye. But our soul is drawn to them for a reason. We think our desire is to find a mate, but our innermost desire is to discover ourselves. And when our soul sees itself in another, it desires to connect to that soul so that it can express itself through the reflection of that person. Do you ever wonder why we are most triggered by our partner? We seem to be most affected by their words and actions. No one can hurt us like they can. But I realized that there is something to this. My marriage is an experience my soul has attracted to help me heal. And this healing takes place through the process of resolving conflict. The issue is that conflict is often avoided in relationships. We don’t want to feel pain. But in relationships, pain serves a purpose. And this is not a justification for abuse. What I am talking about is the inevitable confrontations that will surface when two people decide to function as partners in life. What triggers us in our relationship is often a representation of something we need to explore within ourselves. Unfortunately, many people rather avoid this process because it is uncomfortable. But marriage is not just about building a relationship with your partner, it’s about deepening your relationship with yourself. My mate is my reflection. I have learned so much about myself through our perceived differences. And true love is a love that leads you on a path of self-discovery and spiritual development. And for this, I am grateful for my reflection. My relationship with my partner provides me with the experiences I need to discover who I am.

Perhaps you are experiencing some challenges in your relationship or trying to figure out why things have turned out the way they have. Shifting your perspective literally transforms how you experience life. I hope these lessons I have shared inspire you to perceive your situation in a new way. I share this from a place of love. My marriage is a gift I treasure. It has been both my greatest reward and my greatest challenge. Everything we experience in life is a lesson we need to learn. Approach your relationships as you would school. Your partner is your teacher. Learn what you came here to learn.

Love & Light to you Beautiful Souls,
The Lovelutionist

Till next time….